Voices In My Head

It's a new day!! I woke up this morning feeling so refreshed and just reenergized. Made myself look like a human again. I wasn't sure about how I would feel after posting my first blog yesterday evening, I was very skeptical wondering if it would actually make me feel better or not. I know I'm not going to feel like my normal self again just overnight, and I constantly wonder if I will ever get back to that point in my life again or not. Maybe I will find a new way to find happiness. But writing last night definitely made me feel a little better today.

I will not lie, yesterday and the day before were 2 of the roughest days I have had in a while, since I've been home. Many, many, many voices in my head. I was depressed. I did nothing but sleep until my kid came home from his fathers last night. I know I am still going to struggle each day, in a different way, but this is the last time I listen to the voices in my head. They tell me what I don't want, nor need, to hear. They make me believe the most ridiculous thoughts. The self worth I feel right now is very low. I miss the feeling of being wanted. I miss the feeling of being needed. I miss getting to do normal life things, or attending events. It's hard being an extrovert, and having to lay low, not talk to anybody, not see anyone. I'm stuck at home, all the time, usually all alone. I've never been good at being alone -- those are the times my thoughts EAT ME ALIVE. I cry. I try to keep busy. Until I let my thoughts get the best of me. Then I cry some more.

One way I would describe my life right now: I feel like I'm a blind bear in the woods, bumping into every tree in my way, hurting myself each time..knocking me down one by one. With each bump making it harder and harder to get back up. That is how I feel.

I can't use or blame my shitty past for my actions. Yes, I have had a bit of a rough life growing up. But that is still no excuse for what I did. I also look at it this way, I could've done way worse than what I did. Still doesn't make it right, but there are people out here acting like what I did was the end of the world. It's not. Life goes on.

This was more of a calm writing session this evening..I'm taking in the view and the peacefulness out in the country. Sitting on the deck, in the warmth with the sun shining..couldn't get any better tonight. Realistically, my life could be worse. Not saying it's great, or even good right now, but it could be worse. I woke up this morning. And I have God to thank for that.

Til Next Time - AR